Fun Stuff I Am Doing During Chemo

It's not all just heaving over a beige plastic bucket, wishing that I wasn't retasting the shoarma I ate 5 hours ago.

Since April 3, Day 1 of Cycle 1 (D1C1), I:

- saw Ojos de Brujos at Paradiso (D5C1)

- had a drink at the AmstelHaven and then a tea at the Amstel Hotel (D8C1)

- went to an Chinese Hot Pot Dinner Party (D17C1)

- ate Dutch food with my mother and brother at Moeder's restaurant where, after 10 minutes of avid searching, we finally located the framed photo of my mother that we donated the last time she visited Amsterdam about a year ago (D20C1)

- walked all over town decked out in orange on Queen's Day (D7C2)

- danced during my friend Joel's Drum & Bass DJ set at Greenhouse Effect and then attempted to banter with very drunk Dutchmen at my first ever houseboat party (D7C2)

- went for a drive to Oude Kerk for a super-delicious brunch of chicken club sandwich and Dutch appeltaart with whipped cream, followed by a walk around Amsterdamse Bos (D10C2)

- attended a dinner cooked by my friend Sandrine, who is a fabulous French cook and hostess (D16C2)

- picnicked in Saphartipark, where alas -- a @#%&ing dog peed on my bicycle (D17C2)

- biked to the Hole in the Wall pub for a friend's birthday drinks, watched Yankee Come Home at Boom Chicago, and then went back to the pub to catch up on the results of 2009's Eurovision song contest (D2C3)

- saw one of the most amazing taiko drum groups in the world, Yamato, perform at the Carre (D4C3)

- drank a mint tea at the Blue Teahouse and then played ping pong at OT301 (D5C3)

- went to a barbeque and then played a Mario driving game on the Wii (D6C3)

- saw the always-educational-and-inspiring annual World Press Photo exhibit (D10C3)

- biked 45 minutes each way to see Star Trek in IMAX (D10C3)

Promisingly, I'm getting out of the apartment more with each cycle!

Also, I restarted my lapsed membership to the public library and have started biking there every weekend to borrow DVDs. So far, I've watched the whole first season of 30 Rock, Shortbus, Mamma Mia, Darjeeling Express, In Her Shoes, Step Up, and Fletch (again). This in addition to: The Changeling, Australia, Mystery Alaska, Legends of the Fall (again), and Finding Nemo (again).

I also tried meditation a few times, following a Gaiam DVD I borrowed from my friend Sarah.

Also thanks to Sarah, who's a voracious reader and shares my taste in books, I read the first two books of the Twilight Series, The Time Traveler's Wife, Water for Elephants, and a Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian.

Now I'm reading a Renate Dorrestein book in Dutch I bought on Queen's Day for 50 euro cents as well as Brilliant Orange: the Neurotic Genius of Dutch Football, which I bought using a gift certificate I got from my friend Marta for my birthday.

I've had four visitors from the States.

My mom brought me Wii Fit and got me hooked on sudokus. In return, I made her watch Tokyo Zombie, which is probably the only non-Oscar-nominated movie that my mom has ever watched. I think I got the better end of the deal.

My brother Eric somehow managed to stuff Wii Rock Band, which includes a drum set and guitar, into his suitcases and lug them over here from California. So I'm learning how to play the drums and guitar now, or at least distinguish primary colors from one another under pressure.

My friend Lois gave me a book called 'The Healing Power of Chocolate' and brought me dark-chocolate covered pistachios from Trader Joe's, which prompted a whole series of emails with my nutritionist friend and eventually resulted in my sampling different brands and formulations of dark chocolate on a regular basis (so far Toblerone is coming out ahead).

I'm proud to say that I introduced my brother Ed to the diabolical genius of Joss Whedon. We watched the entire season of Firefly while he was here. I also introduced him to moth.org and This American Life. We both learned how to play Odin's Ravens together, but he won easily. While I like board games more, he seems to be better at them; so unfair!

Looking back, I guess I managed to still do a lot during my first three chemo cycles. And the list didn't even include the approximately 30 hours a week I've been working from home! Not too bad for someone with a serious illness. Although I have to admit that I've had more mandatory free time than usual, due to the fact that most of the Dutch holidays come one after the other in April and May, instead of being spread out through the year. Besides Easter weekend and Queen's Day, we had two days off last week for Ascension Day. In a normal year, I'd be spending these long weekends traveling.

This coming weekend is Pinksteren weekend, and every single one of my friends will be out of town. In fact, most of them will be away on the same sailing trip visiting the islands in the north of Holland, a trip that I wanted to do but in the end I had to back out because, at the time that they were organizing the trip, there were too many uncertainties about how I would react to my chemo treatments. Trapped on a boat, there was too much risk that I could get an infection and not find my way to a hospital or that I would be already be horribly nauseous. So I'll have to entertain myself, which is not usually so hard to do.

These two days (Days 11 and 12) are usually the best days of my chemo cycle. I've been meaning to go to the supermarket for a few days, so I've been forced to get creative in the kitchen, without my usual stockpile of favorite foods. Then it was pouring rain all day, and I was getting obsessive about my current work project, so I thought maybe I would skip the trip again. But finally the sun came out, and in Holland these days it doesn't get dark until past 10pm, and happily I confirmed online that my nearest Albert Heijn would be open 'til 10. I was so excited in the supermarket about having fresh produce again, I was actually humming to myself, and I had to remind myself that I only live less than 5 minutes away by bike; there was no need to buy 15 different fruits and vegetables! As I was cycling home with my treasures, the thought popped into my head spontaneously that I am really so lucky and happy just to be alive. Every extra day that I'm on this earth is another chance to appreciate all the amazing things life has to offer, whether it's big or small. In the past 24 hours: my first taste of cherries this summer, thunder and rain drumming against my window while I snuggle into my warm bed, the view of the sun setting over the canals and old houses of Amsterdam, chatting with my neighbors, feeling the stretch of my limbs and the wind on my face as I biked.

The Silver Linings

Despite the fact that I'm voluntarily streaming poison into my body every three weeks, in some ways, I feel healthier than I have in years. I have greatly improved my diet. I sleep more. I am less stressed because I have fewer urgent projects on my plate, and I don't have to go into the office.

I've learned a lot about my body and how to take care of it, that will be useful to me, and maybe also to my friends and family, after my treatment is finished.

I learned that I'm tougher and more disciplined than I thought. In a short period of time, I was able to give up coffee and alcohol, as well as drastically cut down on sugar.

I learned how deeply my friends, family, and even colleagues care about me.

I have reconnected and have gotten closer to some friends as a result.

I've gotten extra 1-1 time with my mother and my brothers, that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

I'm more empathetic when I hear about the troubles of others, whether it's a death in the family or a health problem.

Another Gratitude List (with Thanks to Anonymous)

I am thankful for the taxes I pay because it means that I have money.

I am thankful for urgent deadlines and office politics because it means that I have a job.

I am thankful for my high rent because it means that I have a roof over my head and a warm bed at night.

I am thankful for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

I am thankful for the piles of laundry I have to do today because it means I have clothes to wear.

I am thankful for the crying baby in the apartment above me because it means I can hear.

I am thankful for the dark and dreary winter because it means that I can better appreciate spring and summer.

I am thankful for the rains that sweep over Amsterdam on a regular basis because it means that there is lush greenery everywhere in the warm months and that it is snowing somewhere else in Europe in the cold months.

I am thankful for people expressing political viewpoints that I don't agree with because it means we have freedom of speech.

I am thankful for my mother nagging me about what to eat and what to buy because it means that she cares.

I am thankful for my nausea, fatigue, and other chemo side effects, because it means that my cancer is treatable and that I can afford the treatment.

I am thankful for too much e-mail because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

I am thankful to the anonymous parishoner of Clayfield Baptist Church who wrote the original list that has taught me and many others how to view the glass half FULL.

The Gratitude List

I'll probably keep updating this, as time goes on:

1. The cancer is treatable. The chemo works by attacking the fastest dividing cells in my body first (which is why people lose their hair). My cancer is especially treatable compared to other cancers because the tumor was growing so quickly. My brother told me, "the faster it grows, the faster it will shrink". And he was right. The lump had appeared seemingly overnight, and the lump had also disappeared seemingly overnight -- already after Day 3 of my first chemo treatment. There are also so-called "indolent" forms of non-Hodgkin's, and other cancers are typically slower-dividing as well, but luckily my cancer cells are workaholic.

2. The cancer was caught before I had any late-stage symptoms. I was able to schedule medical appointments quickly and the diagnosis was clear -- no ambiguous symptoms that would force me to spend months getting tests.

3. I have gotten so many great emails from friends and family around the world, offering their love and support. I'm so glad I told people about this, because I really feel that I've learned a lot about my friends, especially, in the process. I didn't know that some of my friends have cancer survivors in their families; my friend's mother was diagnosed last year and I had no idea (apparently, she was diagnosed in June and by February was already rollin' the dice in Vegas with her son).

4. My mother and brothers immediately made plans to visit. My mother has been here since April 8 and has been taking good care of me with lots of amazing healthy meals. If it weren't for her, I'm sure I would have lost more than just 2 kilos post-chemo. Not only have I been eating well, but I've also learned a lot about how to prepare meals so I can keep eating great even after my treatment is over. She’ll be here with me until April 22, when my brother Eric takes over. He’s staying until May 1. My other brother Ed is coming in mid-May. None of these family members had plans to visit this year otherwise.

5. My brother's an oncologist, so I’ve gotten a lot of reassurance and helpful advice from him.

6. My doctor here seems kind and competent and very experienced.

7. A good friend back from my days in public health happens to be a bonafide expert in cancer-related nutrition and has given me loads of information on what I can, should, or shouldn’t eat.

8. Amsterdam is a good place to become sick. Unlimited sick days, and no penalty for taking them. My coworkers and even upper management came by to tell me that I shouldn’t think like an American in this case – that I should make my health my number one priority and no one would question my commitment to work if I were to just take the entire 6 months off (I plan to do some work, actually, but on a limited basis). Besides that, I don’t have to get a prescription for marijuana to alleviate nausea here. I can just walk a few blocks to the neighborhood coffeeshop.

9. The weather here has turned beautiful and warm. It stays light until almost 8am and city has really come alive. This is the best time of year to be in Amsterdam, and it’s almost impossible to stay in a bad mood, let alone become depressed.

10. The timing of this thing was unbelievable. If I were to get it at any time in my life, this would be the perfect time. Young enough to recover quickly from the treatment, old enough to have coping skills and money. Long enough in Amsterdam to have developed a support network and understand some Dutch (useful for dealing with the medical system). Just after the end of snowboarding season and before I had scheduled any other trips that would have required cancellation of plane tickets. And just after finishing several major work projects with urgent deadlines. And during the spring, so that my 6 months of treatment fall right in the space between 2 snowboarding seasons and during the time when I don't mind so much being stuck in Amsterdam.

11. I have health insurance. So many people in the U.S. do not.

12. I won't be confined to bed for most of treatment. I can still enjoy life. I can still eat chocolate and ice cream! My mind still works just fine and all my limbs still work.

13. I get to catch up on books & DVDs.

14. I've learned a lot about nutrition that will help me even after the treatment is over.

15. I live walking distance from the supermarket, nightmarket, and a huge open-air market, as well as the chocolate/ice cream shop.

16. The view outside my window is lovely, of a city park and old Amsterdam houses and a little bit of the canal too. And when I open the floor-to-ceiling doors for fresh air, it's even nicer.

17. My apartment is also a nice place to spend the whole day, and I have a nice entertainment system (including Wii) for whiling away the hours.

18. It wouldn't hurt me to lose a few pounds anyway. :-)

19. The pain from the cancer is already nearly gone (no need for painkillers since Day 3 post chemo), and I can sleep through most of the night without any problems.

20. I still get to enjoy exploring new places, but just not so far away. The other day, I went to Amstelhaven and the Amstel Hotel for the first time.

21. Having cancer has made me more empathetic. I can finally really better understand what it means to have a serious illness and certain symptoms. For example, before I had no real grasp of what it is to have serious round-the-clock constipation or nausea. Now, even though I only experienced it for a short time, I realize how horrible it would be to suffer from it constantly, as some do.

22. No more writer's block. I was hardly ever motivated to post in my other blog: "A Snowboarder in Amsterdam", but now, I feel as though my thoughts are running in all-new directions, and I can only clear my brain by writing.